稻田中的小福娃

Yiheng 1st On Stage Dancing Show - Part 2

2009-12-29T16:01:00.002+08:00

2nd part of the video. Last part of dance, he actually focus watching the disco light and just simply move his hand like the 招财猫

Yiheng 1st On Stage Dancing Show - Part 1

2009-12-29T09:56:00.002+08:00

Yiheng 1st on stage dancing show on Dec 23. Just right in front of my house. He doesn't like the dancing costume, and it's take "great" effort to force him to wear it.

冬至

2009-12-20T23:17:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is day before 冬至. It's a big event to pray for beloved relatives that pass away as it's the "unofficial" Chinese new year. I not around, but my mom will bring yiheng and my sister and cook some dishes to pray for Yvonne.

I just back from relative wedding event with Yiheng. Will upload his recent photo may be 2 days later. and he will having on stage performance few days later and I will back to alor setar again to attend his show..:)

Happy Birthday to Yiheng

2009-12-15T09:19:00.004+08:00

It's his 3 years old birthday. As there's still "rules", so we didn't really big celebrate it. Now he keep like to pose and ask me to take photo for him and he want to take photo for me also. But most of my photo capture by him filtered when go through QA.
Two fav things he like to do now. One is "yam seng" that practice in dinner, he will keep ask me bring him to "yam seng" when ever see a wedding dinner in restaurant. Another is be a photographer. When he saw people rush to take photo, he will get the phone from my mom or mine to take photo also...
And....I just setup a new PC for him with bunch of new cartoons...haha...

It's his handsome pose I ask him to pose just right before we go to get his favorite "Madagascar" cake.
He insist want to cut the cake by him self. He strongly believe he can do what ever his dad is doing now...including jogging, pee, push up, carry item, etc ...:)He like the cake so much. Almost 50% of the cake is finish by him....haha...
He actually quite excited when receive the gift, but don't know look so "down" and "wet" when take photo..haha..

Cancer Fighting Recipe Part 2

2009-12-01T08:06:00.004+08:00

Good to see i got some response from Part 1 shared. Continue from Part 1.

I got this meal from a patient that fully recover from colon cancer phase 2. Without doing any chemo or take any MLM products.

Drink green apple + carrot + tomato + barley leaf powder juice (250ml) every 2 hours. When drink, drink it slowly. Take it 5 minutes to finish the drink. Don't take any solid food, just fruit juice is enough. Can add any other vege to change the taste such as cauliflower, cabbage, asparagus, etc.
Objective: Fluid can increase the adoption rate, drink it slowly is better to get most nutrition.
Green apple and Barley leaf is for detoxic. Carrot and tomato is for the nutrition that able fight cancer.
The person that share this tell me he won't feel hungry as the fluid very full. Must look for blender that didn't blend in high speed, prefer those which able blend in lower speed so that it doesn't warm the juice and spoil the nutrition.

Do exercise to improve oxygen intake. Prefer do in park if can. There's one exercise which is jumping on rebounder. It's the best detoxic exercise that practise in every cancer fighting center. The concept is jumping is making your cell doing exercise through gravity and it's will improve the lymphoma system. Jumping on rebounder minimum 2 minutes and jump 6-7 times per day.
You can get a rebounder around RM120-RM150 in any fitness shop.
When do exercise, try do some exercise like qikong, swimming, or jumping that help to detoxic or improve oxygen. Not prefer on any game exercise which may not give optimum detoxic result.

There's one more trick shared. Get a oxygen tank and direct take oxygen every day once. The cost is cheap. Around 200-300 to setup the tank and rental for a month only RM15. I lost the oxygen supplier, if anyone really plan to get this, inform me and i will engage the person again to get the contact for you. I believe this oxygen tank cost is much more cheaper than you take any MLM product that claim improve oxygen in water.

Another is good water treatment system. RO water treatment is prefer for CA patient as it's clean and didn't have too much nutrition that may burden their kidney or liver. For normal people, still prefer go for energy water type which give you more nutrition.

Antioxidants. It's the famous term that people think it make you younger. Antioxidants are substances that may protect cells from the damage caused by unstable molecules known as free radicals. Free radical damage may lead to cancer. Antioxidants interact with and stabilize free radicals and may prevent some of the damage free radicals might otherwise cause.
Recently I discovered one cheap superfood, it's call 枸杞 (wolfberries or Goji berries). Used in chinese medicine. If you want to know how good this is, compare it to Tomato which we know as a high antioxidants food. Tomato antioxidants level is "195" while Goji berries is "25000 to 30000". Yes. It's lots lots compare to tomato. I take it as daily snack now.

Enough for Part 2. Thanks.
I still waiting for a good book that rent to my fren. Will get the nutrition mention in the book and shared in out.

Cancer Fighting Recipe Part 1

2009-11-27T09:23:00.003+08:00

I decide to spend some efforts to write down the learning shared by few cancer patients that successful recover without medicine and the price they pay is so less compare to those MLM products. The main reason that bring me motivation surely due to recently there's few friend/relatives from people i know closely diagnosed cancer tumor in their body.

I try to separate all sharing to different categories. Basically, there's few ways
1) Chemo and Operation
2) MLM Expensive Product
3) Chinese Medicine
4) Herb Recipe (mainly from India or China)
5) Scientific Way (Alkaline and Oxygen)
6) Qi Kong
7) Enzyme

1st and 2nd way is so expensive that might not suitable for everybody. 3rd way is not safe proof as so many fake story we heard before and it's not really cheap as well except if you able find it from a trust able clinic or hospital. As I know, Nam Wah Ee do provide chinese medicine to cure cancer. Herb recipe might consist of some herb that I not aware, but there's one indian medicine out there that i came across previous that the price is affordable for most person. Anybody that interest on this can ping me and I can search back the contact and get more details for you.

The rest of 3 ways are the one most economical and historical proved helping to cure Cancer or any disease. For this chapter, I try to share the 5th way that I came across.
In scientific way, scientist proved that cancer cells grow fast in acidic and less oxygen environment. So, there's few way discovered to improve body alkaline level and improve the oxygen.
Food is the main thing that can improve your body alkaline. Some very alkaline food are red cabbage, cauliflower, asparagus, carrot, tomato. Basically all vege are good alkaline food. Fruits that help are Lemon, grapefruits, lime, avocado, apple, etc.

One thing keep in mind, sugar and bad oil will feed and grow cancer cells. You only can take sugar from fruits (fructose). So have fruits as much as possible, if not you will feel yourself so weak. Sugar from fruits will give you strength and won't easily fainted. I try experience this and by taking 5-6 fruits per day, it give me strength and wont make me weak when doing intensive exercise. When I only take 2-3 fruits per day, I will feel dizzy a bit when doing intensive training.
Amount of fruits I mostly take are 2 bananas, 2 apples, 2 oranges. Basically are fruits are good except durian ( i don't think i want group durian as fruits as well). Try take the fruits that not polluted by chemical such as banana, orange, grapefruits, mango, watermelon, etc. Don't worry about sugar in fruits, it's help. It's not like sugar cane or brown sugar (melaka sugar) that feed cancer cell.

Yes, oil very important. Good oil help your body. There's few good oil such as extra virgin olive oil, extra virgin flax seed oil and avocado. Why need extra virgin, as it's the first cold press from products and it wont using high temperature process the oil which has the highest amount of monounsatured fat. Extra virgin olive oil can be used with salad or cook as it's taste good and it can last for higher temperature. Extra virgin flax seed oil only can use as raw as it's cant use for cook, don't cook it as it will make it acidic. Avocado, it's a expensive imported fruits but you can find some from local. It has 65% of monosatured fat which give you good amount of good fat.

Something must totally prevent are dairy product. That's the thing that feed cancer cell as well. Example such as Milo, Nescafe, Milk, Cheese, Yogurt. It's very harmful and i don't know why, the nurse in Malaysia hospital like to ask patient take Milo. Reason why dairy not good as in commercial dairy product, the fat in the dairy product are bad stuff as the cow is not grass feed. They use hormon to stimulate more production of milk that not good to human body.

Next thing to prevent is caffeine. Tea, choc and coffee, must remove. The real reason why it's not good as caffeine can increase human metabolism which mean it may increase the cancer cell grow as well. I not sure how true this is (as exercise also will increase metabolism), but try prevent it if you can.

A bit messy, but I try to write and polish it day by day. Hope it helps...more to come.

Happy Birthday

2009-11-23T16:48:00.002+08:00

Yvonne, Happy Birthday. As usual, I think i will get you a cheese cake, but this time is me and yiheng that will finish it...:P
His stomach is big now and become lazy to walk when shopping.
Bring him to sakae today, he so excited with the sushi bar.
He keep bugging want to follow me come to penang working. I still work hard to find a suitable place to bring him stay with me....Hopefully next year Q3 can meet my IMBO..:)
Good Luck to me and hope you can wish me good luck too.
My mom dream of you few days ago, say you looks great with the blue dress.

妻子的空位

2009-11-18T15:49:00.003+08:00

I think some may have this email before, and when cleaning my msn email that I seldom use, found this article again. Try post this so that can remind me.

妻子的空位

我的妻子因為意外事故離開我身邊已經四年了，我想，妻子留下不會做任何家事的我和孩子，她的心有何等難過呢？我也因為無法兼顧父母雙親的角色而感到挫折。有一天我為了出差，清晨趕出門，無法將孩子打點好就得離開家，正巧前一天有剩下的飯，我熱了蒸蛋，向還沒有睡醒的孩子交代一聲，就出門去了。為了照顧好孩子飲食三餐的事，我也無力把自己的工作做好。有一天晚上回到家，我只是很簡短地和孩子打個招呼，就因為身體疲累，不想吃晚餐，脫掉西裝之後就直接往床上躺下。就在那個時候，砰的一聲，紅色的湯汁跟泡麵瞬時弄髒了床單和被單，原來有碗泡麵在棉被裡！這小子真是的，說時遲那時快，我即時拿起一個衣架，跑出去，往正玩著玩具的兒子的屁股就打，因為我實在是太生氣了，所以不停地打他。但就? b這個時候，他邊啜泣邊說了一段話，使我停了下來。

兒子告訴我說：「飯鍋裡的飯早上已經吃完了，晚餐在幼稚園吃了，但是到了晚上，爸爸還不回來，我就在櫥櫃的抽屜裡找到了泡麵。可是我想到爸爸說不能亂動瓦斯爐，所以我就打開洗澡的水龍頭，用熱水泡了泡麵，一個自己吃，另一個想留給爸爸吃。因為怕泡麵涼掉，所以我就把它放在棉被裡，等你回來。可是因為我正在玩向朋友借來的玩具，所以忘了跟爸爸講。

我不想讓兒子看到我在流淚，所以衝到洗手間，將水龍頭打開，大聲地哭。過了一陣子之後，我打起精神來，一面哄著兒子，一面也在他屁股上擦藥，讓他上床睡覺。當我清理好泡麵弄髒的床單和棉被後，打開兒子的房門一看，發現他仍舊發出哭泣聲，手裡還拿著媽媽的照片。我把頭靠在房門站了許久，看著這一幕。

自從在一年前發生這件事之後，我為了扮演好媽媽的角色，更加用心地去照顧他。現在兒子快七歲了，不久後就要從幼稚園畢業，進入國小讀書。慶幸的是，兒子在這段時間毫無陰影，很開朗地成長。

就在不久前，我再一次打孩子，因為幼稚園來電話說，兒子沒有去學校，我心裡覺得很不安，所以早退回家，整個社區裡大聲地喊他的名字，卻是遍尋不著。後來在文具店的門?f，看見他站在電玩的前面，於是我很生氣，又開始一直打他。兒子並沒有說出任何的解釋，只說了聲對不起。後來我才知道，原來剛好是幼稚園要邀請媽媽去看才藝表演的日子。

發生這些事的幾天後，兒子回家說，他在幼稚園裡學了寫字，從此他經常關在自己的房間裡不出來，很認真地寫字。我看到兒子這個樣子，想到妻子在天國也一定會因為看到他這樣而微笑，我就無法忍住淚水。

時間很快，又過了一年，到了冬天，街頭上都在播放著聖誕節的歌曲，我的兒子卻又闖了一個禍。我正要下班的時候，接到一通社區郵局的電話，說我兒子把一綑沒有寫地址的信，惡作劇地放在郵筒裡。每年到了年底，正是郵局最忙碌的時候，所以這對他們造成很大的困擾。雖然我已決定不再打孩子，但在急忙趕回家後，叫了兒子來，我又忍不住痛打他一頓。兒子這一次只是說他做錯了，卻沒有講出任何理由。我把他推到一個角落，不管了，自個兒跑到郵局領回那一綑惡作劇的信。我把信丟到他眼前說：「你為什麼要這樣惡作劇？」兒子哭著回答說：「這些信是我要寄給媽媽的。」

當時我的眼眶紅了起來，心裡很激動，但是因為在兒子面前，所以我盡量隱忍住沒有表現出? 我接著問他：「那麼，為什麼一次寄這麼多信呢？」兒子回答說：「以前我要把信投進去的時候，因為個兒太矮，所以沒辦法投入，但是最近我再去郵筒時，已經搆得到了，所以我就把以前沒有寄的，一次全部都投進入了。」

我聽了以後，心中一片茫然，不知道該對孩子說什麼話。過了不久以後，我就跟他說：「媽媽現在在天上，以後你寫完信，把信燒了，就能送到天國去。」等孩子睡著之後，我燒了那些信。我很好奇到底孩子想跟媽媽說些什麼，所以讀了其中的幾封信。而當中有一封信攪動了我的心。

親愛的媽媽：
我很想念你！媽媽，今天在幼稚園有才藝表演，但是因為我沒有媽媽，所以沒有去參加，我也沒有告訴爸爸，怕爸爸會想念媽媽。爸爸到處去找我，但我為了讓爸爸看到我很開心的樣子，所以故意坐在電動玩具面前，雖然爸爸罵我，但是我到最後也沒有告訴他原因。媽媽，我每天都看到爸爸因為想念媽媽而哭泣，我想爸爸也跟我一樣，很想念媽媽吧！但是，媽，我現在已經記不清楚你的臉。媽媽，請你讓我在夢中，再一次能夠看到你的臉，好嗎？聽說把想念的人的照片放在懷裡睡覺，就會夢到那個人。可是，媽媽，為什麼你沒有出現在我的夢裡呢？」

讀完這封信以後，我就開始嚎啕大哭。到底什麼時候，我才能填補妻子的空位呢

Some sharing for Yiheng

2009-11-10T15:07:00.003+08:00

I been promise this for long time, but I just have few reasons make me lazy and keep postpone it. Below is yiheng daily morning job. He will blend his own juice daily and take it. Mostly he can finish 250ml. If you help him while he is hardly push it to blend, he will scold you. :P
He trying to make some stunt job to impress me and my mom. Kids already start want to show off how strong he is. :)

Gift from me to him from San Francisco. It's Hard Rock San Francisco bear bear.

Sms from heaven

2009-10-23T23:48:00.002+08:00

I come into this video clip shared in facebook. It's in chinese.
The husband lost his wife due to CA as well. He receive sms from his wife hp after she pass away. The sms lead him to take care the house and family, and keep remind him what is the item he forget to do, what the son want, the washine machine...
The husband just like me, a housework idiot and that's help him to get back stable life.
What happen in daily life with your partner is very valuable, and it's the thing i keep rethink back. When you wash plate, you will think back what you do with her when washing plate, washing clothes...all the stuff you do, you will think of her. It's not a boring task that do everyday, it's the task that make your life normal.
Most important, the song and music very touching...Crying again...Hopefully you all able to access the link below.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=166740943896&ref=share

Miss you again

2009-10-01T22:38:00.002+08:00

I going to travel soon...every time when I travel alone in business trip, I will miss yvonne a lot. We seldom separate for long time, i think never more than 14 days. And every time i will bring usb camera with me to chat with her. Then she will always drag yiheng to front of camera or bring the camera around chasing yiheng...

She never been in US, that's is what she always feel regret for. Mostly I will buy some bag, wallet and shirt for her...never get a COACH as its damn expensive. But last year when she saw my colleague have 1...she do ask me remember get her 1 if I fly to US again. I flying soon...but she no more here...and i still remember this promise...I always think that its always a great satisfaction if you can make your partner wish come true...and I can't this time.

Half year

2009-09-27T15:39:00.002+08:00

Its so long i didn't update the blog as busy with work and sports, everyday when back to room almost 9pm, and I seldom take photo after my home PC down. It's give me a good reason why i stop taking photo. Today it's the half year after yvonne pass away. Thing start stable down, but the next big thing its yiheng primary school registration. I plan to get him stay wiw me in penang, but then I haven't got a permanent stay location in Penang. Now is the main issue as penang property price shoot up so high now and hardly can find a worth buy unit. If I keep pushing it, then how can i register him to study for the primary school in penang?

Any one have good info on the primary school registration please share with me...or if you aware any unit ready to sell which is worth buy unit, drop me an email. Thanks.

Yiheng skill sets

2009-09-03T21:36:00.004+08:00

It's quite interesting and satisfying seeing everytime how the kids learn new thing. Last week, when I back, he show to me how can he wear pants by his own and also mix the yogurt with fruit juice...and finish by his own.

He start concern the shirt and pants he wear. He always bargain with my mom to wear the nice and new shirt and pants, and surely if he need to go out, he will make sure he wearing his favorite shirt and pants...

He don't like to chat with me through phone, but if I back to home. He will pull me to the bed and lay beside me keep telling story that I don't understand. And also, we like to dance and do some push up together...

It's fun...it is?...:D

More photo from Genting

2009-08-31T22:03:00.006+08:00

I got another SDHC, but didn't have the reader till today.

Approached by a gal to sit together with him.He look so mature.

Just to upload the picture capture with my sister. If not my sister will complaint again. Yiheng like to play with his aunty than his dad.

Ring & Diary

2009-08-23T14:44:00.003+08:00

I got a call from friend, asked me some stuff about funeral. Right in the same time, radio beside me is playing "When you're gone". Its make me flash back what happen 5 months ago which I have hide it in the bottom of my memories. I open the box of memories, and get each item out one by one. I got the ring out and wear it which I seldom wear it after married.
I reading her diary again and again. It's not much, but i just want to see again her writing. I even kept the short notes she left on the wall to remind me hang the big wedding photo. What mention lots in her diary is about me like to talk with my friend than her, and i am not a good listener. It's still my problem right now, I plan to change. To be less talkative, and a good listener.

The first trip

2009-08-16T00:04:00.006+08:00

It may surprising, it's my first trip with Yiheng. I didn't aware this until I in the trip. Then I flash back that Yvonne never have a vacation trip with Yiheng as well. She do have few trips with me after become mommy but we didn't bring Yiheng together as he still small.

We drove. When he awake and discovered we in genting, he so happy and keep saying "papa very clever, we in genting now"...Few days before we in genting, my mom accidentally tell him we will come to genting. After that, he will pack his nice shirt and pants and bring it to school...and after school, he will just tell my mom don't want go home, ask her direct bring him to genting...:D

Here some of the photos. Hopefully i still can spent some time to get the rest upload.

Kids is so simple. No fancy stuff need. You can see how happy he run around in playground or just in hotel.

Not sure what he is thinking. But he do idle watching for a while.
take me some effort to get this fancy effect. Cute.......

Yesterday, he just recover from coxsackie. This is 2nd time he get infected by this virus.

Box of Memories

2009-08-04T22:48:00.006+08:00

In her 21 bday, which is the first bday we celebrate together, I get her a nice box which used to pack the bday gift. The box itself already more expensive than the gift. She like the box and kept it till now. Last thrusday, I go back to the house to clean up stuff to rent out, I found her diary, our love letter, our photo back in U, her master graduate gift card give by me, our first self make bday card, etc....I decide keep all this in the box and call it the box of memories. It kept all our sweet memory and I can easily take it out to refresh it time by time. This is how the box look like.

I have been so busy before and after business trip, and that's why i can't update the blog for these few weeks. Below photo taken when yiheng come to visit me in penang before business trip as i too busy till can't back to home town look after him

Attached with the video how yiheng read...sound so cute...

Back to blog

2009-07-29T00:07:00.002+08:00

2 weeks in business trip, another week busy on closing all pending items.
This week busy on all work related stuff and busy preparing my house to rent out. I successful rent it out in a good price.
This weekend my mother will be away for meeting, so will left my father, me and yiheng. 3 guys, 3 generations...:D
should be fun!

Yiheng with BaoBei

2009-07-06T21:17:00.004+08:00

Since the day after aware Yiheng doesn't know how to handle gals, I and my friend decide to let him experience more. We get another new gal and have both of them meet at my home which have Yiheng in more comfort zone, but he still doesn't know how to deal with gals.
This round, mission fail.

Why more gals coming? How to handle them?

Hehe....I like cute boy.see...Yiheng just didn't pay attention.

It's 100th day

2009-07-03T07:48:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow is Yvonne 100th day leaving. I will be back to home town again. This round we have few friends from Penang will go together. They miss her, miss her laugh, miss her participation in every event, miss her when have lunch together, miss her when have durian session, and they miss her when have window shopping.

I miss her when I alone, when I with Yiheng, when every time I drove back alone to home town, when I have meal alone, when I do housework.

I still remember she haven't complete one task that she commit to me before she turn to unconsious. Just one more day, she can complete it and I can free from headache now.

Miss her.

Yiheng infected by Coxsackie

2009-06-30T23:52:00.002+08:00

Yiheng vomit and have mild fever 2 days ago. Last night, he start complaining pain on his mouth and my parent though he have bacteria infection in mouth. After verified with Doctor, just aware he infected by Coxsackie. Now both of my parent can't work and have to take care of him at home.

Any suggestion to get he recover faster? I found information from internet that there no vaccine for Coxsackie, the medicine provide only to reduce the pain. and it's purely depend on the children immune system to recover.

Yiheng romatic moment in playground

2009-06-28T22:40:00.003+08:00

It's Saturday evening. 3 of us (my father, yiheng and me) have a walk at the playground in front of my house. He so exciting running around, non stop. We have learn to just watching him from far instead chasing after him. As usual, after aggressive running around, his cheek will turn red and so adorable.

I met my colleague with his wife and 2 years old daughter. A cute and very fair skin girl. As usual, both parent will put the kids together, and we have them on the long chair beside the playground. Yiheng so shy and not dare to talk to the gal. Then after with some encouragement from my colleague, his daughter kiss Yiheng. Yiheng too shy till not dare to watch at the gal and just using eye look at me for help... :)
Then after that, the cute gal walk closer to him and keep using hand touch him and lay beside him...and he keep move to side slowly until the edge of the chair..until almost fall down. When he notice can't move anymore, then shout me for help..:D

It's so funny look at these kids how they react when meet new friend. So wasted i didn't capture the video on them.

Yiheng miss me

2009-06-23T21:03:00.002+08:00

It's been 3 weeks I didn't back to hometown. When people ask him where is Papa, he will tell people that "Papa bu zai jia" (Father not at home). and will bring people to see my photo in PC wallpaper. Then he will pack his bag and tell my mother want to go to my house to see me. So touch....No matter how, this week I will back.

In my memories - Taipei Trip

2009-06-21T21:01:00.005+08:00

Tonight, I think of the Taipei trip with Yvonne. She got business trip to Taipei and I buy flight ticket to accompany her in Taipei. We went to all of the night market in Taipei and Yan Ming Shan, It was fun, she like it so much. As I quite experience with food in Taipei, so she so enjoy with the food I bought for her. The most headache part is one of our colleague which want to extend his stay to join us and ask to stay in same room with us to reduce the cost. We have hint him it's not a good solution as we are in honeymoon moon, but he insist want to join us...So the accomdation part not so enjoying...:(

I going back to Taipei in July for Business. It won't be a fun trip for me. I go to Taipei alone. Very serious and boring trip. I miss her so much tonight especially where I still can clearly remember how we hug together in Yan Ming Shan due to the cool weather. July is summer...it's hot and not fun at all.

Happy Father Day

2009-06-19T08:13:00.003+08:00

It's my first Father Day as a single father. Nothing to celebrate but I very appreciate my father which act like a father for Yiheng. Because of me, he have to scarify his night for 2 years + to help my mother taking care Yiheng. And because of Yvonne pass away, he still have to continue help me taking care Yiheng until I able to settle down again in Penang.

Since Matta fair is coming, we actually looking for a trip for he and my mother to escape a while from Yiheng :D

Happy Father Day to every father.

Yiheng sing ABC song for me

2009-06-16T08:48:00.002+08:00

Just a fast sharing, Yiheng yesterday request my mom call my hp and sing ABC song for me.
Can you all imagine that, he so cute and clever. I so excited till can't get sleep last night. :D

Chat with Yvonne

2009-06-16T07:24:00.002+08:00

I just renew my company laptop, and take some time to clean up some mail I left in these few months and I lost some email as well while renew the laptop. Suddenly I found I still keep the conversation history with Yvonne back in Dec 2008 and I just aware I didn't manage take one good outdoor shooting photo for her.

‎‎See, Anthony Chaur Yih‎‎ [3:23 PM]:
you say must praticse
see in front of us..then sure no problem
‎‎Leow, Yvonne Ying Won‎‎ [3:25 PM]:
ei
they went there rehearse at 5pm lor
really hardworking
‎‎See, Anthony Chaur Yih‎‎ [3:27 PM]:
wah
‎‎Leow, Yvonne Ying Won‎‎ [3:28 PM]:
i really hope to have one great photo before i grow older lor
u must help me to capture at least one
‎‎See, Anthony Chaur Yih‎‎ [3:30 PM]:
i thought u like the one i take last 2 times?
not good enough meh?
if wan with the sky and sea
then have to go outside take
we can do it when yiheng here...
‎‎Leow, Yvonne Ying Won‎‎ [3:31 PM]:
it's good
but i prefer the onbe like reena's fren one
got big blue sky
and sea
‎‎See, Anthony Chaur Yih‎‎ [3:31 PM]:
i know
then we go for outdoor shooting
not just indoor
ok?
‎‎Leow, Yvonne Ying Won‎‎ [3:32 PM]:
yeah
ok
we go picnic with yiheng

Looking for 2nd hand car

2009-06-14T10:18:00.001+08:00

Due to some reasons, I can't continue use current car. Any of you if know any nice 2nd hand car for sale, please let me know. I may need it within 1 month. Thanks.

Huge Thank You

2009-06-12T09:00:00.000+08:00

My mood very down this week. I thought I strong enough to face the reality, but when one of my friend mother ask me about Yvonne history, everything flash back to me again. I still behave in front of my friend mother, but I cry when back to my room. I finish all the blog drafts for this week and listen thousand times of "When you're gone".

Things not go as I want and I got call from friend telling me about some rumors about me spread by somebody. I know it done by who, I know why they doing it and I know...Just I want to keep quiet for the first 100 days. I so angry about the word they say that hurt Yvonne and I. I just don't care, I just leave it. I hope i got enough patience to face all these circumstance, I don't want get myself angry, it's not worth.

I got the support...
I have friends donate blood for Yvonne
I have friends visit me everyday
I have friends pack food for me everyday
I have friends come to do qikong for Yvonne 2-3 hours non stop
I have friends come to do praying for Yvonne
I have friends drive ambulance for me
I have friends come here do nothing just to support me
I have friends donate to help us get through this tough situation
I have friends call to support me
I have friends cook home dish for me
I have friends get their friends for blood donation
I have friends publish in blog to get for help
I have friends purposely came down from KL just to support us
I have friends help me get all the nature therapy material
I have friends help me settle my accommodation and transport
I have friends that plan to trip for me to release the pressure
I have friends help me settle all my pending company work
I have friends help me look for legal advice
I have friends help me look for political support
I have friends help me understand the medical information
I have friends help me understand all the process I need to go through
I have friends help me get Yvonne body transfer out
I have friends borrow me lots of motivation book to encourage me
...................

and
I have lots of new friends call, sms and email me to support. Some even from oversea. They bring me to know the new value of loves from friends and society. I used to donate blood once in 1-2 year in blood donation campaign...but after this, I decide to donate blood when ever I receive the email that need it.

I got lots of friends and relatives support. My parent, my uncle & aunty, my grandmom, my friends and my colleagues all providing great help to pass through this circumstance. I know they come to make the funeral crowded and it's the most successful and meaningful funeral I went through.

I hope to selectively forget the pass and move on.

History: Mar 22-27 (Week without hope)

2009-06-11T19:00:00.001+08:00

I know she in bad and critical. Her face slim down a lot, her muscle on the leg and hand all gone. Her face still yellowish. Everyday I just go to put some baby oil on her body and mop her tear away. I always cant see her dropping tear as she seldom tearing. She is a tough girl. I still can remember even when she deliver Yiheng, she only hit and scold me when feel pain. Somebody ask me how pain when deliver, I tell them, if the period paid score is 10, then when deliver, the pain will go up to 150.

Everyday she still struggling to survive. and my mind still continue struggling. I know she run out of hope, as her body now have 4-5 pipes. 3 of them for drain the gas out from lungs which making her lungs weak as well. And Doctor tell me, with these pipe, it help her survive but will make her lungs worst as the fungus wont run away. I even suggest can they take away the drain pipe and allow her lungs to recover but it too risky to do it.

On Mar 26, it's the last day Dr L work before take leave for vacation. But that's the last day Yvonne have the hope to survive. Hospital call me and inform she in dangerous again. This time Dr L not dare to say it's 2-3 hours, he just say, it worst than Mar 21. Just ask us to prepare, it either few hours or it's tomorrow.

Yvonne open her mouth again to breath, her oxygen drop to 70-80. I know she struggling, i know she want to see Yiheng. I decide to let she saw Yiheng. I show her Yiheng video, photo and even let her listen Yiheng call her Mama through phone.

At night, Yiheng is here. Yiheng still able to recognize her and call her Mama, but Yiheng is so scare when enter to ICU and we have to take him out after a while. I know it's going to be soon, but I can see Yvonne oxygen level back to normal again. I prepare my phone in full charge condition, I always awake in each hour to check the phone miss call list, I know it's the time.

I get the call again on 5am. Her oxygen level back to 50. I only can tell her, I will take care of Yiheng. I will make sure he is healthy. I didn't ask her to hold it anymore, coz it's the time. I swear in front of her, to let her go in peace. I only can hold her hand as her wish usually as I not like to hold her hand as I kept complaint her hand very warm. I just know that the number is dropping very fast, and her reaction become greater when reaching 30...I still can remember the pain and the feeling when see the number keep dropping till zero. It's mean a life is gone. It's mean she forever leaving me. I still stand beside her, holding her hand till the nurse ask me out to change cloth for her. That's the first time I know what is the feeling that you sad till no tear drop.

It's the end. From knowing the disease till now, it's 46 days wars and we lost.

History: Mar 21 (The day brake my hope)

2009-06-10T22:36:00.001+08:00

We got few close friends from KL coming down from KL. I have quite a good chat with them early morning in Hospital. Around 9AM, Nurse suddenly out from ICU and ask me go in to discuss with Doctor. My mood still in peace. When I meet with Doctor L, he tell me Yvonne may only live 1-2 hours. I think everything suddenly go very slow, I didn't expect that. She making good progress especially yesterday and I didn't get any call from ICU say she in critical. Doctor tell me she having complication call pneumotoraks. It's mean lungs collapse. The air pressure inside and outside of the lungs not balance and causing the lungs can't expand and causing her can't take oxygen. Her oxygen level already go down to 50...normal should be 90 above and she have this situation since 7am. Doctor say sorry and ask me prepare for it. I immediate go in and telling her to hold it as I need to tell her parent, relatives and friends.

I thought I strong enough and have prepare for the worst, but I don't. I cry while I walk out..and I cry when I told to everybody. It's a shock...as we all prepare she can discharge safely, but suddenly she in critical and only can last for few hours. I don't know what I think, I just keep calling people in my phone and some of friends from KL decide to came down immediately.

When I walk in, I can see the number still around 50-70, it's still not the safety zone. Yvonne keep open her mouth to breath stronger...and I can see her tear drop beside..it's Yellow color. That's because her body less of oxygen, the liver start damage and causing her in yellowish.

I don't know how much time I talk, but I know i keep tell her...she has fight for so long, she has come to so far, we have spent so much effort wait her, she cannot give up. I ask her think about Yiheng, she have to survive to see Yiheng. My friend ask me should bring Yiheng from alor setar to let her see for last, but I not dare. I afraid after she saw Yiheng, she will give up...It's always very pain when make the choice, especially when it's life.

I not sure whether it's the power of the word we speak or it's her will not to give up before saw Yiheng, she manage survive and get the oxygen level back to 80-90 around 12pm. Doctor L say it's a small miracle which he didn't believe she can survive for that. He say that Yvonne is the strongest patient he handle before. Her brain still can be so active after having less oxygen for so long time. He not confidence she can discharge but he actually start giving out hope that she can survive as there more complication happen after this and everything back to day 1 she enter to ICU.

In the evening, I engaged by another doctor (Doctor O) . He tell me, Yvonne is very ill. She almost have no hope to survive. Lungs collapse causing her lungs weak, fungus still there, cancer cells still there and her brain damage still unknown. He ask me to consider to pull the pipe option as keep draging down will burden me and no help at all as the Doctor L actually already run out of idea to save her. I tell him, I wont make the choice. I only can continue hold it, I won't give up before she give up. I never expect the scene in movie will happen to me. The life is so unexpected. It can change everything in a second.

For one more day

2009-06-09T21:37:00.002+08:00

Recently shared by friend about Mitch Albom. I interest on his third book (For one more day). The main stuff bring in the book is about “What would you do if you had one more day with someone you’ve lost?”

I plan to get this book. Anyone read this book before? Any idea where can I found it in Penang?

For One More Day

Albom's second novel, For One More Day (Hyperion), was published in 2006. The hardcover edition spent nine months on the New York Times Bestseller list after debuting at the top spot. It also reached No. 1 on USA Today and Publishers Weekly bestseller lists. It was the first book to be sold by Starbucks in the launch of the Book Break Program in the fall of 2006. ^[15] It has been translated into 26 languages. On December 9, 2007, the ABC aired the 2-hour television event motion picture "Oprah Winfrey Presents: Mitch Albom’s For One More Day," which starred Michael Imperioli and Ellen Burstyn. Burstyn received a Screen Actors’ Guild award nomination for her role as Posey Benetto.

For One More Day is about a son who gets to spend a day with his mother who died eight years earlier. Charlie “Chick” Benetto is a retired baseball player who, facing the pain of unrealized dreams, alcoholism, divorce, and an estrangement from his grown daughter, returns to his childhood home and attempts suicide. There he meets his long dead mother, who welcomes him as if nothing ever happened. The book explores the question, “What would you do if you had one more day with someone you’ve lost?”

Albom has said his relationship with his own mother was largely behind the story of that book, and that several incidents in For One More Day are actual events from his childhood. ^[16]

History: Mar 16-20 (Continue Fighting)

2009-06-08T10:34:00.001+08:00

Doctor decide to drain the fluid in the lungs and after draining of few liter of fluids, doctor finally found out the reason why her lungs still not improve. It's because of the Fungus infection. Doctor suspect the Fungus infected through her intestine as the chemo kill the cancer cell in her intestine and this may causing hole created in her intestine and fungus spread through there. Everything is the guess...but I do know that beside Yvonne room, there's one patient from Indonesia Medan admitted due to lungs problem which need isolation as her disease can spread through water in the air. I hope that it's not caused by her.

After giving her the fungus antibiotic course, I can sense she getting better everyday. Her liver also back in better shape. I still remember at Mar 20, when I tell her story and stuff happen around, she can response pretty fast to me and even able to move her body and head herself to make herself comfort. When I going to sleep and say goodnite to her, she still can knock the head respond back to me. This is the greatest progress I have so far.

I call my parent and her best friends and tell them about this. I see the hope to discharge her out from ICU safely in 3 more days. But once again, everytime when thing look smooth, the bad stuff already start happen and it will shock you in the next minute.

History: Mar 9-15 (Battle)

2009-06-06T10:30:00.000+08:00

The battle still continue. Everyday, Doctor tell me she may discharge in 3-5 days, but I been getting the same answer for few days. He confidence she will discharge safely...I been giving a large hope on this.

Yvonne daily used 5 packs of palette. Every day I look for friends, relatives and colleague help for blood donations. Luckily I got lots of support and help from friends. Yvonne condition always not so stable. Either I got the update that her white blood cell all go to zero, or her liver damage again and make her yellowish, or her lungs not improve or the water in the lungs continue grow. However something still very comfort me is her cancer cell remain very quite and can notice her stomach going flat.

The bill has gone far over than the insurance we bought. When I get chase by one finance girl, I am so angry with their attitude. The finance girl come over to me and say I need to put in 50K deposit. I tell her I have no money now and guess what she say. She tell me, "Mr See, this is private hospital, not charity place. If you no money, don't come here. If you don't pay it, we will transfer her out immediately"...
Immediate I check with friends I know and aware that any private hospital has no right to transfer any patient out if they in danger condition even no enough deposit. That's is the human right.

History: Mar 6-8 (Support)

2009-06-03T21:00:00.000+08:00

Everyday, I will look for Doctor update on her progress twice daily. On first 2 day (Mar4-5), Yvonne has no pass motion or urine, everything seem stop. And doctor very worry on the cancer cell activity as Burkitt Lymphome cancer cell grow fastest in the all cancer type, it easy curable but it grow too fast. In lab, 6 hours it can duplicate once. In human body, 1 day it can duplicate once. They worry if the cancer cell still growing, nothing they can do to stop it as she has waste so many times before start the chdmo. And she depend on ventilator and she go more than 2 weeks, she may got the risk of complication cost by ventilator.

Whenever I in the ICU beside her chatting, I will tell her what Doctor say about her and we waiting. I tell her, Doctor want to pass motion, Doctor want you pass Urine more than 1 liter daily, Doctor say she can out from ICU and awake once her kidney, intestine and lungs work normally.

So, I keep telling her all about this when ever I got chance to enter ICU. And guess what, day by day, she getting better. On Mar-6, she able to pass motion. Then I tell her keep pee, pee a lot...then next day, she do it more..On Mar-8, Doctor decide to stop dialysis on her as she able to pass urine and motion perfectly which mean she able to clear the toxic in the body by herself and does not need to depend on the dialysis machine anymore.

Her body start getting cold, nurse will warm it up with heater. Her face look a bit dark, I know she don't like it. Her hair all messed up, I help her comb it a little it, but her hair start dropping little bit. I go to buy baby oil and apply to her hand and face as her skin so dry.

She start need to do blood transfusion daily. I have been the first donate blood to her when she do the first operation and now I start getting help from friends and colleague for blood donation. I got lots of support from them. That's the time we can feel the real love and support from people we know and society.

The progress she make it everyday enlighten me. I see the hope she can discharge safely. Doctor say she is the strongest her they manage. On Mar-6, her brain activity already very active and able to fight with nurse every time when they cleaning for her. I happy, happy than anything.....I happy she didn't give up, I happy i didn't give up...

Yvonne Diary

2009-05-29T18:58:00.002+08:00

When I move some book to new house, I saw Yvonne diary. It's the only diary she has. She used to write it..not very frequent, but she do have when in U and after U.

I read it before, as mostly she will write it when she not happy so that I understand why she don't happy. Not much, only around 10-12 pages wrote about some daily stuff like what to eat, keep fit, work, place to travel....and I also manage get two self made birthday card. One from me, one from her.

In her diary, she mention about she not happy due to I talk to her louder in front of other people. I still remember her complaint about this as I keep repeat doing it when I can't control my mood. It's bad, I know...

In the birthday card, we mention about the next travel destination....redang ...and we never make it. We do go to tioman, langkawi, but always can't find a suitable time to redang. I going today.....to fill the gap we miss.

Birthday without you

2009-05-27T03:30:00.000+08:00

It's my Birthday. It's the first birthday in these 10 years I celebrate without Yvonne. She like to buy me a gift, then i bought her go to eat lots of stuff. Last year, she did n't bought me anything as she say Yiheng is the most value gift. Every time when reach 12pm, she will awake me and give me a hug and kiss.

I celebrate with friends in karaok. Few days ago, I found this song from Mix FM. The song touch my heart especially the word "I miss you". I select few songs and I make a few phone call and sms to Yvonne, tell her I so miss her...I so miss her hug and kiss...

Avril Lavigne - When you're gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I 'do need you there when i cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face i came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

History: Mar 5 (phone ring)

2009-05-26T17:30:00.000+08:00

I overnight in the hospital and Yvonne in the ICU. Not able sleep well, GMC charge very high but the facilities right there very bad. There's no comfort sofa at the waiting area of ICU and no shower as well.

I got shock by receive a phone call from GMC in early morning 6am. I know something bad happen when receive the call, I have aware the main line number from GMC. On the other side of the phone, nurse tell me that Yvonne in dangerous and ask me come to hospital as soon as possible. Immediate I rush to the ICU front door and wait right there. I ping them but they say Doctor is rescuing and not suitable for me to enter now. I call Yvonne parent and her best friends over to hospital as well. I always see this scene in movie, but never think it really happen to me.

The only thing I can do it's waiting and after 1 hour, the nurse open the door and tell me she safe again. Her blood pressure and heart beat suddenly go low today morning and doctor inject more medicine to her body again. Her body has been too toxic as too many medicine inside and still need to keep the dialysis machine running 24 hours.

Today her condition look better, but still not awake. She sleep so quite and no response at all. Doctor worry no activity from her brain and will reduce the drug that make her calm. I don't know how much medicine has inject, but I know hospital has charge me 50K for these 2 days.

Nothing seem get in good shape although doctor tell me they have a patient able to out from ICU within 3 days. I still waiting for miracle. I start pray for miracle.

Astro Movie: A Long Vacation

2009-05-25T16:58:00.000+08:00

I just view it yesterday. A Taiwan movie name A long Vacation. Talk about a hardworking mother that found out she got last stage cancer and how she worry about her son. She wrote a letter to her son, telling him she go for vacation, a very long vacation...

Recently I no mood to watch TV, one of the reason I found it's movie producer like to use cancer topic for women. Never have sad feeling when watch this previously, but i can't take it now.

And when I play ball with Yiheng, I not sure I heard it wrongly but I heard Yiheng sometime yelling "mama" instead of "papa" to pick up the ball.

History: Mar 4 (Unexpected)

2009-05-22T13:30:00.000+08:00

What happen today is the 2nd dramatic shock in my life. It's the 2nd day I back to work, I busy plan all tasks that taking care by my colleagues. After 9am, I get a call from Yvonne mother, telling me Yvonne in dangerous. I did not expect this. Immediate I rush to hospital and while driving, I make a call to my family, Yvonne best friend and my manager. I reach GMC 12 minutes later, immediate rush to 4th through staircase. When I reach 4th floor nurse counter, immediate I heard nurse shout that "the patient husband is here, fast..."

When I look into the room, the room full of Doctors and Nurses, guess it around 30 peoples in the small room. I heard the machine sound in flat which mean no heart beat. Yvonne mother tell me that she start have minor pain at stomach since 2am intermittent and early morning when doctor come for routine check-up, still say everything is expected. After that, she can't control herself and immediate shot for Doctor and Nurse.

I have no strength to stand, I only can shit on the floor beside the door...I have no idea what happen, Nurse only ask me wait...I hope the machine sound just mean they take off the sensor...I only know around 9:45, Nurse push Yvonne out but I can't see her condition to ICU. Doctor didn't come over to me as well, only one nurse tell me they manage save her life and now she in critical condition and have to stay in ICU.

I wait for another 30 minutes in front of ICU, then Dr L ask me go in the ICU. Before I able to see Yvonne, Dr L tell me Yvonne come into cardiac arrest condition, where caused due to tumor lysis syndrome. I have no idea what he mention on those medical term, the only statement I capture it's, Yvonne heart stop for 40 minutes. Yes...it's 40 minutes..not 4 minutes. It take me half minute to able to respond after heard about this. Due to this, there's will be some complication happen, like the lungs, liver, stomach, bowel, kidney not function well. They have to run 24 hours dialysis to help kidney wash the acid in her body. They have no idea the damage to the brain, but all impact will only known after 2-3 days. She ill, very ill...

When I walk over to see her, I cry...I didn't cry so deeply into my heart before...but i do now. I didn't expect this. I at least see 9-10 medicine insert to her body through the pipe, the machine is running, she uncountion, her eye in yellow color, white buble and blood beside her mouth as they hurt her mouth when insert the ventilator. You know..she not in peaceful look...she just look so suffer..
And before, she still can talk so happily to me...I only can tell her, don't give up. I stand outside of ICU supporting her.

When i walk out of ICU, there's one GMC guy come approach me and ask me follow him. I thought he is doctor, but his not. He is account guy and then bring me to account department. Ask me to sign few documents and keep tell me the cost may go very high everyday. Expect 10K per day. I don't know how to explain my feeling right now, but I just know when they say sorry for what happen, it just so fate.

Back to ICU, got lots of friends and relatives coming. I not dare to walk away from ICU...lunch, dinner all bring by my friends. Around 9pm, I decide to stay overnight right in GMC in front of ICU, with friend stay there, I immediate rush back to my home to get all my clothes and back to GMC again.

Everything happen so fast out of my control, I can't do anything. I only can keep praying and motivate Yvonne. I only can always can stay beside her when she need me. When every body leave and left me alone, I sit behind the wall Yvonne room. I tell her through the wall, Yiheng still need her, she need to fight back. Doctor tell me some patient can recover in 3 days, I tell her, she must recover in 3 days. I will fight together with her with all my strength. I will not leave her alone in hospital. She always have me. I kiss her forehead when walk out from ICU after visiting hour, my mouth have her blood smell.....

History: Mar 2-3 (Chemo)

2009-05-20T20:38:00.002+08:00

It's Monday morning. I still on leave and will back to work next day. Today Yvonne will start take the first chemo. Yvonne got reaction after 1 hour and Dr L stop the medicine and delay it 2 hours later. The medicine slowly go into Yvonne body and estimate will only complete after 10 hours.

She look fine. The next day will continue have 2 more medicine, and from phone call, she still ok. She worry her hair will drop, I tell her, no worry, I will bald my hair as well to accompany her...:D

Everything work fine at surface but something bad already start happening and we haven't prepare for it.

History: Feb 26-Mar 1 (Before Chemo)

2009-05-19T23:40:00.001+08:00

You all know it's happen in Penang GMC. I will use short form Dr S (1st doctor) and Dr L (3rd doctor). There may be more doctors come out later, hope not confuse you all, Yvonne bed card always has most colors (color mean doctor).

Feb-26, Proceed procedure to drain fluid in stomach to make yvonne feel better. From what happen today, now I understand draining is a simple process and I have no idea Dr S (1st doctor) why make it so difficult until need 2nd doctor consultation which waste our money. Dr L proceed procedure to do biopsy on bone narrow and confirm Burkitt Lymphoma cancer cells in Bone narrow. Then they give yvonne steroid and albumin to increase strength to get her ready take chemotherapy.

Dr L (3rd doctor) tell Yvonne she got high change to recover, under his treatment, > 80% of survival rate of same kind of cancer. And from the material i read from internet, Burkitt Lymphoma cancer is the most curable cancer in this world. The main reason is the chemo medicine is most effective compare to other. We feel the bright future to overcome this.

They will using the expensive medicine (Mabthera) together with chemo which give incredible result. And of course, the whole course (8 times of chemo) will cost us a Benz.

I start study lots of stuff include natural therapy, oxygen + alkalinen concept, nutrition. I purposely bring one fruit blender to blend fruit juice for yvonne every day. I stay 24 hours with her this weekend. She look better, more strength. We talk about future plan, and she ask me whether I will abadone her as she can't have baby anymore. I tell her, we can adopt 2nd baby girl after she recover. Nothing wrong with this and she is happy with this plan as well. And then we talk about her plan to visit taipei again at the end of year and I start design the nutrition and food she need to prepare when visit Taipei and even look into how to cook a good nutrition curry for her.

I quite enjoy the moment. I go up to bed to hug her when nurse not around. Everytime when she pass motion using the chair, I will sit in front of her chat with her at early 5am morning.

I remember at Feb 27, I ask Dr L, is the operation to remove uterus and ovaries is the right step to cure Burkitt Lymphorma cancer. Dr L can't answer me directly and only tell me, sometime if chemo not help, then they will remove it. And then he keep telling us that even didn't remove, the ovaries may not function anymore after take chemo.
But I know...Burkitt Lymphorma cancer / Leukemia, doesn't need operation except chemo fail. But yvonne haven't take chemo...I have start prepare and write down the details to deal with hospital.

The most romatic memories

2009-05-18T17:56:00.000+08:00

We are not person that celebrate all event, Yvonne rather want me give her money or buy some nice foods for her instead buy the expensive flower. I still remember, I buy her rose in valentine when we in relationship for the first year. After that, no more and she seldom ask for it as the flower really expensive in valentine day.

But something always kept in our memories, the first valentine gift I bought for her in 2003. It's the first valentine after I start work, she still in study in Universitiy for master program. The day is 2003, feb 13th, I went to a event in Gurney mall with friend. Before went back, saw the valentine event organized by Venessa and I found the white gold necklace in love+apple shape with a small diamond at middle kind of nice. I bought it, it cost me RM599.

I take the necklace with a red love shape balloon, standing outside of her apartment. People around look on me with funny face, and I think i also quite funny. I call her and tell her I almost reach and ask her come down. When she walk out, she saw me holding the balloon from far, and keep laughing and running towards me. She like the gift, and she wearing it all the time. The necklace, is worth more than anything include the ring.

I still no mood to take nice photo, hopefully I can take the camera back and capture this necklace to show it.

Switch

2009-05-16T10:13:00.002+08:00

I try to find comfort zone in my daily life. Now I still very much depend on friend as if I stay alone at home, I will think a lot.
Switch...I used to back to home sharp on time, now I back to home late.
I used to listen to chinese song, but now i switch to english song. Too much get into down mood when listen to chose chinese love song.
Now I always used earphone and listen to song very loud...and start learn to enjoy surfing online out of office or home.
And planning every day to do some sport so that I can get tired easily and healthier.
The only thing I still can't change, I not used to have meal alone. I still don't like this feeling....but I trying...

History: Feb 25 (know the actual cancer type)

2009-05-13T16:21:00.000+08:00

Morning, 1st doctor come over and tell us that he will transfer Yvonne case to 3rd doctor. It's a hematology doctor as he can't treat the cancer type yvonne have.

The 3rd doctor come around evening and tell us they have confirm the cancer type is B-cell type lymphoma cancer. It's a leukemia. Then I ask the doctor, how they know before the 2nd report that wait from Singapore. Answer is, they know it from the fluid drain out yesterday.

So, now i totally confirm the 1st doctor is doing wrong stuff. I ask him to check it and he refused. Everything can prevent if he do that before. A simple process and only take 1 day to found out compare to what yvonne have to pass through and money wasted.

Immediate the doctor found out Yvonne metabolism very high and scold the nurse that taking care of her as this making her weak. This is another point I not happy with the 1st doctor as I have complaint to him so many times that Yvonne feel so hot and it's abnormal but he just say it's normal. After all, i know the 3rd doctor step out and scold all the nurse that taking of her in the counter of not doing the job properly, but i believe it's the 1st doctor that not do the treatment correctly. Poor nurse, earn so less but get blame.

3rd come back and say Yvonne need to transfer to wad he taking care for better nurse care and monitoring. We agree with this.

When the 3rd doctor do the check-up, he do ask about the history, family information and tease us that there's no need to have 2nd children as the cost so high right now. I aware that he try to make us happy so that Yvonne didn't feel so sad as her Uterus and ovaries removed due to misdiagnose by 1st doctor. I just keep quite.........I know it's not the right time to argue....everything still priority on Yvonne to get her fully recover.

May 14th - 49th day

2009-05-13T11:00:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is the 49th day. Follow Chinese believe, it's the last day Yvonne stay right here. After that, she will migrate to heaven.

I preparing the ring for her. If you all remember the dream she give about the ring (http://seeyiheng.blogspot.com/2009/04/dream.html). I capture the ring photo and make a color copy and will shape it like a real ring. That's for her to keep after migration.

Feel so tired when rewrite back the history...but i want to keep the momentum and memories...if i don't do it, i don't think i have the strength to do it after that. So sorry for visitors that i make you feel sad after read the history. I feel sad as I remind what happen on those days but I want to complete it, it's a memories i want to keep for Yiheng.

History: Feb 21-24 (Before know the actual cancer type)

2009-05-12T23:03:00.001+08:00

As Report may only reach us one week later, from Doctor suggestion, Yvonne should able discharge 3 days later. But day by day, I didn't see her getting better. She actually getting weaker after the operation.

She feel so tired and no strength to walk around, stand or sit. She feel so hard to breath. I keep motivate her to walk around as that help blood circulation but she just so tired. Every day i didn't see a hope to get her discharge.

Feb 24, after few days of complaint, doctor decide to drain the water from her lungs. It call pleural effusion. Then this oncologist doctor ask another doctor take look for lungs to have a look for Yvonne. Guess what this 2nd doctor do, just come over and say, you need to do draining, tomorrow do it...That's all. and he continue come for 3 days...continue claim for the expensive consultation fee without do any useful stuff. And worst thing happen later.
This 2nd specialist ask Yvonne to fasting for 12 hours as need to do the draining with CT scan..since midnight.

Feb 25, sharp at 9am. Yvonne no more strength as do the fasting. Then I help the nurse to get her down to X-ray department. When we reach there, Yvonne arleady can't stand as so hard to breath, and guess what we know from the Doctor. There's only the 1st doctor there, didn't see the 2nd doctor. And the 1st doctor tell us, X-ray department so busy, then can't do it now, they will do it after lunch and there's no need fasting.

F*** ! I shout to the doctor, how can they do this unprofessional stuff and the doctor just throw me a word, no my business, he can't do anything, and just drop us there. No body come to approach us.

Then I go search for X-ray specialist myself and get the answer that the 1st and 2nd doctor didn't do the arrangement and their queue are full right now. And tell me there's no need fasting as it's doing with Ultrasound and not CT Scan as mention by both doctors.

We back by our self. And successful do the drain after lunch. It's fast and Yvonne breathing better now. Totally drain out 2 liter of fluids. The fluids will sent for biopsy.

Move out to New Life

2009-05-10T22:22:00.003+08:00

Saturday (May 9th), I move out. From the house we stay. Lots of stuff I left right there. I kept the ring, and her diary. Her old diary, which write something about the sweet and pain we pass through in University.

I didn't really prepare to pack everything, it's all last minute job. After move stuff to car, I walk around the house. From master bedroom, I think about the bedroom sets. She so love about this one and it take us 3 months search for this. I locked the door.....together with the memories.

Then come to the kitchen. It's not the best that we want, but we just choose for the cheapest.
She keep mention want to install a door to separate with living room.....and we actually have look for some stuff before CNY to get it done, but it never done.

Living room, we have the sofa. The best design sofa we found and most of friend and relatives like it. I wasted my RM150 deposit that pay for another sofa to change to this one and never regret.

Close all the electric appliance, close all the switch, locked the door..Everything set it off...house sound so quite, very quite.....it take me some time to close the main door. I look to master bedroom window from house outside, I tell Yvonne, I leaving, for new life. To start everything again.

I got a call today (Sunday) morning. My aunty call my mom and tell my mom that she dream about Yvonne. She tell my aunty, I want to move out, and need to move stuff back to alor setar as need to rent out the house. Ask her to help me by borrow the truck to me to move the stuff. And tell me, she is ok now, and ask me don't be sad anymore.
Beside, my aunty have no idea I move out the house right at Saturday.

I cry...when get the call and when type this out.

History: Feb 20 (The day we wait for the truth)

2009-05-08T07:37:00.001+08:00

It's the day we wait for truth. Doctor should tell us what ovarian cancer yvonne have.

But today I am not lucky. Yiheng vomit and fever when on the way to school, he vomit out all the milk in the car. I hint the teacher to take care of him extensively and inform me if thing get worst.

In the hospital, I still so nervous wait for result, but no answer. Around 11am, I got a call, not from hospital, but from day care center. Yiheng not well, he vomit everything, include water. Immediate i get him for checkup and sent him back to home and taking care by my mom. While just reach home, I got a call from Yvonne that doctor is wait for me.

My house is in prai. Whole morning, I spent at least 4 hours in the car just to travel around prai and penang.

Doctor ask me to aside, and tell me it's high chances it's NOT Ovarian Cancer! It's possible is Lymphorma cancer. In my mind, first thing...F***! you remove the ovaries and uterus and now you tell me its not the source. And it's the first time i listen to this term "lymphorma". I have no idea what is it and the doctor just keep telling it's a good news and better survival rate. I just blank in mind and blind on what is happen. I have no idea what is happening. The only thing I know is, I have to wait for another 1 week plus to 100% confirm the type of cancer cell Yvonne got and nothing the doctor can do now except waiting.

Next hard thing come to my mind, how can i tell Yvonne as she know today is the day to know what type of Ovarian cancer is?..."You actually didn't have Ovarian cancer, it's possible lymphorma cancer?"..then what should i answer when she ask me then why doctor remove her uterus and ovaries.

and I keep questioning myself, why the doctor so confidence tell us it's ovarian cancer without further biopsy check. We trust him....we 100% trust him........ and he make us down.

p/s: I will moving out from Prai to Penang this weekend.

History: Feb 17-19 (Post-Operation Day)

2009-05-07T22:51:00.002+08:00

Yvonne back to normal wad around 12pm. I so happy to see she able to talk to me although she so tired. I try my best to block visitors as I know she should isolate from visitors for her good to recover faster. It's tough and you know, you will get some objection from elders.

Her body start getting hot, keep sweating when sleep. It's uncommon for her. I have to get the aircond set to coolest, borrow a fan blow to her and keep the door closed to maintain room temperature to lowest. She still not comfort. I highlight this to doctor, answer is this is normal and untill in later stage (2nd week), i only understand from internet that this is the symptom of burkitt lymphorma cancer where patient body cell turn over very high (>5x than normal) which causing her metabolisme go very high.

She got 4 pipes attached to her. 2 for drain from stomach, 1 for urine drain, and another is for glucose. I always sit beside her, and keep help to work on the urine drain pipe to make her comfort as when the upper part of pipe full, she will feel uncomfort and I will push all the urine stuck on the upper part to the container below so that free up the pipe for her. She tell me it's dirty, I don't mind.

I bring Yiheng to hospital every day after school. NO work so far, everyday very busy but I ok with this. I purposely make this busy job to bring Yiheng to hospital to enlighten her. She so happy when see Yiheng around and Yiheng attract a lot nurse attention as well.

Feb 20, when I in pantry, one nurse come to ask me whether Yvonne know her real situation. She ask me to prepare for worst and tell me one of her colleague just pass away last week due to Breast cancer. That's the first time, I start thinking about the failure rate.

Lot's of thing in my mind, budget, future planning, asset, will, insurance, etc...Nurse ask me to get her prepare will...After 1 night of thinking, I not dare to ask her to do it. I just hope she can think of it herself as I don't want give any negative plan or thought to her. I know if thing happen, I will bare lots of problem, but I rather to bare it instead ask her prepare will as I know her, she won't like the idea.

First time, I face the option that really make different to your life.

History: Feb 16 (Operation Day)

2009-05-06T16:11:00.003+08:00

After get Yiheng to school, I back to hospital. I am late, but luckily the doctor is late too. Manage to stay beside her when she enter to operation theater. It's 9:30am.

can't really stay calm, have to move around, think lots of stuff that I not dare to say it out, lots ...
I just remember that I keep asking is Yvonne ready when staff come out from the operation theater, or when somebody push out, I will look whether it's Yvonne.

2:30pm, Dr is out and asking me wait for him in the clinic. My mind is blank...because I waiting for him to tell me, operation is smooth, she is doing fine, bla bla bla..those standard stuff that i always listen when watch drama series.

he show me the photo, telling me that her outlook very bad. The ovarian cancer cells spread out especially whole intestine and bowel part. Lungs have part of it as well. I control myself and asking how is her and operation and the chemo stuff. I not dare to ask the survival rate as I know Ovarian cancer has very low survival rate in advanced stage as the chemo not effective for Ovarian cancer.

I ran out and cry...I think it's the first time I cry so sad in my life. I back to in front of operation theater, she out around 3:30. Immediate to ICU, but her condition is stable and she just look tired. She awake. Estimate 2nd day she should able move to normal wad. I keep the sad and just make my self look fine in front of her.

Look at the ovaries and uterus tumor removed. It's huge. Both ovaries grow to 12cm, it's 5 times of original size. Ovaries look double size of Uterus which in normal condition, Uterus should look bigger than Ovaries. When I look at the bag that contain the tumor, it carry away our happiness and future hope of the happy family.

History: Feb 12-15 (Admission)

2009-05-05T20:34:00.000+08:00

I still on leave to accompany her. Yiheng not going to school as well. After Yvonne take bath, I go to hug her. I can clearly feel that her stomach grow. It's 31 inch, 2 inch bigger than she suppose to have.

My mother back from KL. Immediate rush over to our home with "black general" Chinese medicine herb that quite popular to heal the cancer. I taste it, not bad. That's the first time I start study herb, organic, nutrition and natural therapy.

Feb 12 bed time, she sleep together with her mother. Yiheng with me and my mom.

It's normal days. We try to make it as normal as it should. Yvonne start blaming can't find cloth that fit. Her stomach growing pretty fast.

Feb 14, I purposely bring her to have her favorite thai food. As a compensate as she can't have it for year after discharge from hospital.

Feb 15 morning, I got a call from her best friends. I didn't purposely call them previously as Yvonne prevent me to let other people know. They want to visit Yiheng when back from KL, and i tell them. Yvonne found cancer in her ovaries and it's advanced stage. Ask them only visit her after the operation.

In hospital, original plan to stay in two bed room, but later she complaint and I decide upgrade it to single bed room. Price a little bit high but I think I should do what ever the best i can support to help her fight.

Everything all right, except she start behave like pregnant for 5 months...I didn't talk about this in front of her.

Yiheng Fun Day

2009-04-30T13:59:00.002+08:00

Skip a day to update Yvonne history stuff...
just to share some fun stuff from Yiheng if not every visitor will blame me always make them feel sad.

Yiheng very hardworking now, helping my parent do lots of "housework"
example of housework he like such as wash plate, swept floor, mop floor, give food to dog, hang cloth, wash toilet, wash car, etc...

can't imagine how a 2 years old kid can do it? Let me tell you.
Wash plate - He like to wash plate together with vegetables, fruits and also his toys.
Swept/Mop floor - He like to do it together, all in wet condition.
Give food to dog - He like to put water together with the dog food in the same plate
wash toilet - Favorite house work that he will do everyday after bath.
Wash car - Together with me. After I mop dry the car, he will make it wet again
Hang cloth - Together all cloth hanged and the hanger keep missing. Including his school uniform.

History: Feb 11 (2nd Opinion Day)

2009-04-28T23:52:00.000+08:00

Wake up positively, nothing really sad. On the way, Yvonne ask me, what if we get same result, same reply. I tell her, then go ahead as long you recovered. Don't worry about me.

Oncologist Doctor not around when we reach there. The nurse attend us and read all the report I get from yesterday and tell us what we know yesterday is mostly what we will get today. Anyway, Yvonne just have to redo all the test again. 1pm, doctor back from major operation, most likely another cancer patient ovaries and uterus removed by him again. He is the O&G oncologist.
Nothing exciting from him but he look more confidence to handle her case. Anyway, he still wait for the test result done by Yvonne. We wait for the few hours again and Yvonne decide to done the operation right here. She trust this doctor.

3pm, we enter to room again. Doctor tell us same thing but more precise and we keep asking how could this happen to her as Epitherial Ovarian cancer is happen on >50 years old women. Doctor just tell me it can happen in any age. He personally tell me when Yvonne away that he suspect it may reach stage 4th. I just stunk as I read medical article about Ovarian cancer that only 10% survival from stage 4th as the chemotherapy not working.

I not dare to tell her it's stage 4th. I kept that with me. She very optimistic and fully trust the doctor will remove all cancer tumor. Admission date schedule at coming Sunday (Feb 15).

Back to home, I keep surfing net to understand Epitherial Ovarian Cancer stage 4th information and nothing really excite me. But I trust her as she young and energetic when compare to others. But I still keep the secret of she may be in the last stage. I seldom keep secret from her, it's really tough when I see her so optimistic, but i believe I make the right step to keep it. It's useless to tell her which stage as long she optimistic to fight it.

History: Feb 10 (Diagnosis Day)

2009-04-28T09:01:00.003+08:00

We have early morning meeting this day. After meeting, we straight go over to clinic. Nothing we suspicious and I waiting outside while she go for the check-up. After check-up, she tell me that doctor can't see it clearly, and refer her to O&G specialist. She didn't feel anything strange and nor do I. Around 12:30pm, O&G specialist comment that there's something in her Uterus and Ovaries and they have no idea what is it. I keep asking, is she pregnant as her period late for 7-8 days, but doctor confirm it's not. We have to wait extra 4 hours before she doing the CT Scan.

It's the first time she do the CT Scan and while we waiting right there, we see there's a poster drawing a baby in mother uterus shouting "Mom, please tell doctor I inside your body". I still thought she is pregnant and nothing serious.

Around 4:30pm, we saw the O&G specialist come to the X-ray department and have a long discussion in the room and we still think nothing serious. 5pm, we enter to the doctor room again and she tell us, they confirmed she having Ovarian cancer and tell her she need to remove it asap.

Yvonne look at me without speak anything as the minute before we still thinking of having 2nd baby. After 30 seconds of idling, I ask the doctor how confidence they are it's a cancer. The answer is 100%. Yvonne keep asking doctor, will she still pregnant, what is the other solution instead remove, etc etc. I know she still want to have 2nd baby. We schedule the admission day as next day, and the following day will be operation day. Doctor comment it's stage 2/3, no problem after remove it.

Went out from hospital, we go to pickup Yiheng. On the way, I propose for 2nd opinion and we went back to panel clinic again to get referral letter. She very steady, and nothing look so serious from her emotion.

Back to home. I call my parent to tell them about this and my manager as well as I going to take a long leave. I want to help her call her parent and manager, but she refused.

It's a tough night. We cry but didn't too sad. We believe everything will be all right. It's the first time I hug her so long when sleeping.

History: Feb 8-9 (Pre-Diagnosis)

2009-04-27T21:05:00.002+08:00

I got some friends asking me to write down the event from early stage about what symptom Yvonne have, what have diagnosed, done, etc.

Feb 8: It's last day of Chinese New Year. We having a gathering in our home with friends. She tell me feeling very full after 1st round of steamboat and no appetite to have for 2nd round. Normally she can have quite lots of food.

Feb 9: When I bought breakfast for her, she no appetite to have it. I purposely go to buy Bukit Mertajam sour soup for her. She like it but still left plenty. I decide to bring her to have a check-up, we went over to panel clinic at Bukit Mertajam but due to doctor out for lunch, she decide back to home to rest and only do the check up next day in Penang. She tell me feeling minor pain when pass urine which believe should be some bacteria infection. We decide all settle when go to panel clinic in Penang.

Yiheng look for Yvonne

2009-04-24T22:48:00.002+08:00

Tonight, Yiheng open my wallet and discovered Yvonne photo. Immediate he shout for Mama and crying looking for her. I stunt, and not ready for this. I have no idea how to handle it except grab the wallet back from him. My mom immediate distract Yiheng attention by giving some toys.
This is the first time he crying look for Mama since the funeral.

Regret

2009-04-24T14:59:00.003+08:00

Recently one of the friend as me, are you still sad?
I seriously deeply think of this question, I am not sad anymore, but I feel regret on behalf of her. Regret of leaving the lovely family, regret not able to take care Yiheng. Yiheng taking care by my parent since he born and only moving to stay with us in last December. Yvonne keep asking to take care Yiheng byherself but I didn't really approve it as we have the contract signed with maid which last for 2 years. And to minimize the cost, it's not economical to pay the maid at home, while we take care Yiheng at penang. We decide to make the move after sent the maid back to her country.

I believe she feel regret for not able take care Yiheng anymore. But I glad that we do make the decision to get Yiheng relocate to Penang last December. Now he back to alor setar and still as naughty as previous. He like to hold his hand at back as in the photo and monitor my house maid do the housework. If the maid didn't clean the floor properly, he will scold her and complaint to my mom. Funny is it?...:D
I really enjoy all funny action he do at home as long it's not dangerous.

Dream

2009-04-23T18:04:00.000+08:00

My friend told me, she dream of Yvonne. In her dream, Yvonne wearing white dress and walking towards her and wearing marriage ring in front of her and walk back to a single bed that with white cover and lay on the bed forever. She tell me that Yvonne face is so smooth and bright and smiling. And at last, my friend awake and can't sleep after that.

We spent 20 minutes thinking what the message Yvonne want to deliver and surely my friend which not so close with Yvonne didn't think of Yvonne before get into sleep. At last, the outcome is, we go to buy some 4D number...

Epstein-Barr virus

2009-04-21T10:44:00.002+08:00

You all know that Yvonne pass away due to Burkitt Lymphoma cancer. And this cancer actually driven by one virus name as Epstein-Barr virus (EBV). It's one of the common virus that exists in human body and will causing you fever sick. So, if you are fever, mean your body is healthy as the immune system will kill the virus, if you are not, then mean your immune system didn't work and the virus will grow. Once it grow, it will turn the B-cell to become cancer cell.

One thing we didn't aware its the founder of Epstein-Barr virus actually are Anthony Epstein and Yvonne Barr. Strange it is, it's just match with both of our name.

Please take care your health

2009-04-13T20:48:00.005+08:00

Few days ago, one of my friend tell me her period come twice this month. That's really surprise me. I'm keep telling her, at least you should do ultrasound scan in clinic if you not ready for full checkup.

Yesterday, she discovered tumor in body and luckily it's not Cancer. Girls, please take your health more seriously and young age didn't mean you healthy. Do regular checkup by doing some ultrasound + blood test. Single blood test is just not enough.

Sometime, I dream of Yvonne...Thinking that if back to 2008, the first thing I do is pull her to hospital for check up. I know, i should not think of this now, but just let me write it out and stop think about this.

Photo also taken after she aware of the disease. She so down after know the cancer and before take this photo, I actually force her to smile...Then..this is the outcome.

Knowing

2009-04-13T15:22:00.006+08:00

As you all know, I stay with a friend. He always talk lots of funny stuff with me and I do enjoying that. We went for cinema to watch "Knowing" Sunday...and I start think of what should I tell Yiheng when he grow up after watching the "Knowing". In the movie, there's one scene where the boy miss her mother that pass away and the relationship between the boy with the father.

So far, I'm never think of this. I always though that he will be happy and will not questioning me or my parent about where is Yvonne and why the mother not beside him. I know it's a little bit early to think of this and I just so hate to watch movie recently as suddenly I keep founding similarity in the movie.

I'm used to be the tough one to Yiheng at home. Yvonne never try to scold him except me. I think i should change it, if not later when he grow up, our relationship will turn very bad.

Photo taken after Yvonne know the cancer. Photo keep in my camera for some times but i not dare to copy it out until today. It's the day before she admit to hospital. Her mood actually very down and I purposely pull her out to play with Yiheng at playground. Yiheng is holding her hand...

The dream we plan to have

2009-04-09T23:12:00.003+08:00

I'm dream of this last night...The day before Yvonne know the disease, we actually go over to watch some nice sample house (Bungalow), around in Juru...The house so nice, has a wide and huge glass beside the stair, sun shine down to the stair, even can see the space up of the bathroom ...and look so spacious. Yiheng running up and down so happy, it was a peace and sweet moment. Yvonne standing beside me and give comment on each nice design of each corner of the house. The master bedroom, the family corner, bathroom, kitchen, living room, garden, etc. I still remember she so impressed with the bathroom design where plant and outside air element used to enlighten the bathroom feel. She like the house and we believe we can make the dream happen in 5 years time.

I'm plan to pay a visit back to the house again...this weekend.

A gift from somebody

2009-04-09T22:32:00.002+08:00

Today, I'm read a book from somebody i newly know from hospital when Yvonne in ICU. It's Yvonne best friend's senior. She pass me one book "You can heal your life". Frankly, I have lots of book right that time and I always think that I'm strong enough to handle any situation, I didn't really seriously look into the book. I'm start reading this book after I feel that the pressure start gaining in my body, I hard to focus in the office, headache, feeling to vomit, etc. I'm kind of person that think a lot and lots of undo stuff will keep floating in my mind if i didn't settle it such as socso, EPF, lawyer, hospital bill, house loan, car loan, bank, medical report, tons of thing that didn't resolve yet (start release the sadness, but gaining the life pressure)...I believe i almost hit the limit..i need to release it and I read the book and do some practice.

I stand in front of the mirror and say this to myself "I am willing to let go. I release, I let go. I release all tension. I release all fear. I release all anger. I release all guilt. I release all sadness. I let go, I let go and I am at peace. I am at peace at myself. I am at peace with the life. I am safe"
I keep repeating this for 3 times...and it works...I feel my mind is free...and i get back my strength. My colleague introduce me go for meditation and I think i wanna try it out.

Thanks to the gift from the girl. I lost her name card, but i won't forget her gift to me. I don't know how long it can last, but it work for me right now.

Back to work

2009-04-08T22:18:00.004+08:00

I'm got some friend question why i can't update blog daily...i take it as i'm make some progress. Blog is one of the way i communicate with Yvonne...I'm do that as well when update Yiheng status on the blog when in business trip. Company work start accumulate and getting busy, I'm start considering should I getting a master...Yvonne is a master degree holder...I'm always accompany her to the class and every time when Lecturer count the people and found there's extra one headcount compare to the list, I'm will be nervous. Anyway, every time Lecturer lazy to call the student name one by one to point out which one not in the list. Some time, I'm even call out by Lecturer to answer some questions...It's a sweet memories we have in Penang.

Today, my friend pull me to watch movie to relax...I'm didn't always watch movie in Cinema, mostly I and Yvonne will only watch movie once per year...she rather spent time shopping, i rather watch movie at home..That's why. Today, the movie i watch is start by Jacky chan, the movie make my mood more depress. I'm just keep complaining to them, they are not bring me to relax, it's even worst.

I'm miss a big thanks you to every body...I'm miss it...
Thanks to people that help me a lot, blood donation, money donation, motivation, blog visitor and all that's care about us...Thanks. There's a lot un name kind people out there which let us know that, the world is full with love.

Photo taken at Taipei Yan Ming Shan and it's the best month for water lily. Because of the unprofessional technique used when take this photo, I'm motivated by Yvonne to invest in DSLR and take the nice photo for her. Photo is not taken by me...and it's look so funny with one pipe beside us..:D

Calling Yvonne

2009-04-07T07:51:00.003+08:00

Last night, I'm alone for 2 hours. First, I try occupied my time by watching movie...but when I try laugh, I can't...I just aware that I watch the movie alone. Suddenly, I so miss of her...She always want me to watch movie together with her, she don't like watch movie alone and previously I prefer reading book more than movie.

I call her handphone...and I know that it won't success as the sims card is with me and I waiting for another phone to put the sims card in. I keep calling her number, and it lead to voice mail. I leave message to her in the voice mailbox...That's remind me she should leave a voice in company desk phone. Today, I will purposely call to her office desk phone ...just to hear her voice.

Photo taken at my alor setar house. Not a clear photo and I keep want to retake for a better one...but no more chance to retake it.

Return Alone

2009-04-05T13:44:00.002+08:00

Yesterday when I play with Yiheng in my bedroom, I still keep imaging yvonne just beside me watching Yiheng laughing and she smiling looking at how funny we are. I'm fear facing Yiheng, that's bring up what I hiding in bottom of my heart.

I'm set me a time, 3PM to reach Prai home. Honestly, I'm fear to be alone but I want to try for a night. Hopefully I can have a good night. If i can't, I will move in my friend house tomorrow and rent the house out. I know my mom has removed most of the her stuff, but nothing can remove memories except time. I plan to go swimming everyday until I exhausted...and i hope it's work.

First time, I return alone. No body will remind me when i fall asleep while driving, no body will keep talking to me to make me awake, no body will hug me when i driving...no body...

"Cheng Beng"

2009-04-04T12:48:00.003+08:00

Today, I shaved. It's the first "cheng beng" for Yvonne. She always like me in shaved condition. I will back to Prai tomorrow. Lots of friends, relatives asking me to find a temporary place to stay for this moment instead stay there alone, but I want to try it. That's the sweet home that built by us, every item i can remember where and how we decide to arrange it. I'm not sure whether i strong enough to face this alone but I want to give me a chance to try it.

Yiheng become very naughty right now. Yes..very very naughty. He so energentic, and he so playful. Such as .. today he keep calling my mother - "mi"...which is how we call my mom instead of "nai nai"...or call my brother name instead call him uncle...and he know its he purposely do this as we know it when we look at his smile...Sometime he even call my sister as "aunty"...:D

What i feel more comfort its he didn't really cry look for Yvonne...He is the boy that like the challenge and give joy to everybody.

Tomorrow, Yiheng will go to day care and I will back to Prai. Life getting back to what it should..and Yvonne still deeply store in my heart and everybody memories.

Time to wake up

2009-04-03T12:43:00.004+08:00

Last night, I'm go up to sleep alone around 10:00PM. Lots of friends ask me why so early and don't answer their messenger. I'm telling them, that's the only best time to meet Yvonne in dream...but may be I'm sleep too deep, nothing...

Today morning, I'm go to Buddhist temple pray for Yvonne and I decide to find politician or lawyer to deal/sue hospital or doctor. Now busy preparing the document and event, i know it's a tough and long battle, and I ready to spent money to ask for hospital responsibility due to their misdiagnosis.

I'm doing meditation to give me strength to fight this.

It's Day 7

2009-04-02T14:39:00.006+08:00

Today, I'm sit in front of her alone.....not crying..but flashing back the days in hospital about how she positively fighting the cancer and she strongly believe she can living more than 10 years,
we together look for curry dishes that can have by cancer patient,
we planning how to maintain body alkaline level while travel to Taiwan,
we talking about to adopt a baby gal when she fully recover,
I faster sleep and hug her on the hospital bed when the nurse not around,
my feeling when heard her heart beat stop,
her look and response in the ICU,
and surely the last minute of her...
It's a long story..but everything flash in my mind very fast...and now she in the temple...

We do prepare food for monk, have her prayed by monk, alms giving to monk...lots of stuff to help her collect some blessing for her next life ...There's still lots of thing to do within her 49 days to help her. and have to thanks a lot to my mom that work till very late and wake up 6am morning to cook her favourite dishes and for monk.....Hopefully she like it.

Couple shoe

2009-04-01T21:10:00.002+08:00

The white Reebok couple shoe i bought from US....it's giving away. My mom try to hide from me when giving it away to her friend. It's not only shoe, it's a wish from me....I'm always wishing she can go jogging with me together with Yiheng (he got another white/black fake Nike shoe as well) around the resident area after work or weekend...

April Fools Dream

2009-04-01T09:04:00.004+08:00

I hoping all this just a fool. Today morning, I awake due to one sms. That's break my dream which I'm still traveling to Taipei with Yvonne and using my new DSLR lens taking the portrait photo for her with the water lily. From the photo, can see her side face smiling, with water lily, and the blue sky....which very blue can be seen in the photo as well. I has to lay down on the floor to take photo for her and the dirt is on my clothes when i stand up....she helping me remove the dirt. The sms break my dream, my heart and my hope. All this not a dream or a fool and life still has to going on.

I collect her items yesterday from our house. Item by item, that's flash me back on where she purchse it, who give her, when and where she wear it and whether she like it or not. I'm planning giving each precious item to her family and best friends. I just bought a brand new reebok shoe for her from US and i have another for myself as well. Both white in color which will make us look like a perfect couple when go jogging. But she never has a chance to wear it. I will keep the marriage ring and the first valentine gift I bought for her which it's a necklace that she wear it since 7 years ago.

Today we will be busy preparing stuff for tomorrow. It's the 7th day. It's the best day to communicate with her and I hope i can communicate with her in the dream. She has been trying want to talk to me in the ICU for 23 days but can't make it due to ventilator. Everytime when I near to her and if she awake, she will move her tongue to try talk to me and I will calm her down as all her indicator will go down when she excited. I keep telling her "now rest and calm down, just talk to me when you discharge from ICU, just make sure your lungs strong enough"...but she didn't make it until she pass away

I just hope she can do it in my dream. Even a short chat or a sentence is good enough for me.

Speechless word

2009-03-31T08:47:00.002+08:00

These few days when I beside Yiheng and exhausted because take care of him, I always turn to my site and wanna ask Yvonne to take care of him. However every time I manage to control my self and stop when speak out the first word. And so many times I accidentally thought that my sister is Yvonne. It's already 6 days I never call Yvonne name from my mouth...every time only calling her name through my heart. It's pain and really pain.... when you can't call it out. I can feel she has the same pain as well when she can't talk to me when lying in the ICU for 23 days.

Every night, I fear. I fear as I alone. It's not the same alone feeling every time I'm in business trip. It's some thing permanent and you can feel the lonely from deepest of your heart...but thanks to friends keep calling me to accompany me and distract my mind. I'm will try stay in my home for a week after back to work...if i really can't take it, i may consider just temporary stay with my friend or rent a room out there for few months until my emotion stable. I know it's not easy, I will think of her every time when watching TV, in the bath room, bed room, kitchen, wash clothes or how she shout when I catch coakcroach. It's already 10 years she never let me alone more than 2 weeks...The longest time we separate is 10 days where I has to travel over to China for business in 2005 and every time she will move to her friend house while I'm away.

Today is the first day I'm going back to my prai home to clean up the stuff...accompany by my mom, grandmom, sister, yiheng. Hope i'm got the strengh to over this.

Yvonne officially move into new house

2009-03-30T18:46:00.005+08:00

Yvonne go through cremation yesterday and we pick up her cremains today morning. Before reaching the place, my mother tell me don't cry when picking her cremains as Buddhist believe the tears from lovers will make the spirit harder to move. I take 5 minutes to control my emotion by looking at the marble pattern of the cremains container. I pickup the cremains using my hand...it's light in my hand but heavy in my heart. It's very white... and in the believe the lighter color of the cremains, the kindness person she is. Every pieces have my memories to her and when we place her in the new house, I can feel that she peacefully smile and knee down in front of the Buddha.

I know she like the place. It's corner lot, temperature not too hot, and she purposely choosing the 3rd row (the lowest row of the high price which is not so economical) but I believe she want to make it easier for Yiheng to visit her. We will visit her again in Thursday and Saturday. I leaving the funeral hall in peaceful heart.

I'm not the person that can speak anything to my parent. In here, I want to thank to my super mother. She busy preparing and helping me since knowing Yvonne have the cancer. She prepare every medicine, funds and planning the funeral event smoothly. Without her, there's no way i can hold till today. I got full support from my families ,my 88 years old grand mom and relatives to have the funeral done and it's the crowded funeral event i ever see. None of them angry when i shout to them in bad mood and I feel so sorry making extra burden to them. That's the power of families and I love them so much.

Photo taken in Dec 2008. She purposely pay RM50 for the hair fashion to attend one best friend wedding dinner. She so regret because of wasting that money but I tell her, she the most beautiful girl in the dinner (exclude bride). see how happy she smile...

Angel Yvonne

2009-03-29T17:21:00.005+08:00

I flash back lots of sweet memories today when stand beside her coffin. Till today, Yvonne has become my lover for 9 years and 6 months. We married 3 years ago to skip the curse of 7 years love syndrome. Everytime when she ask me, why I in relationship with her although she didn't has sexy body. My answer to her is: "It's comfort. Your life style, your caring, your heart, everything just comfort me. You not my dream girl, but you are the best wife which i would never found on any other girl". Everytime we argue, all will settle when i hug her from back.

Today, I tell Yiheng beside Yvonne. Yvonne has become Angel and she will bless the best for us and continue protect us for the rest of the life. Heavy raining after the ceremony done. I believe it's the bless from her to flush sadness out from our heart and she know that I like raining day. She always be the most beautiful and happy Angel in our heart.

The last trip

2009-03-29T11:00:00.000+08:00

I'm going out now to accompany her for the last trip. Please give me the strength.

Mar 28 - Yvonne last night on earth

2009-03-29T00:03:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow is Yvonne's funeral. Today will be her last night on earth. Today I saw small drops on her face, as if she was "sweating". Her body was always warm, I used to complain that her palms and body are so warm and that make me uncomfortable when we hug, She kept saying the same sentence to me: "if i'm cold, i'm already dead".

Yesterday when i hold her hand...it was cold...but i don't feel any comfort at all. I didn't really appreciate the warm she brought to me through her body before...and I regretted that.

Tonight, I have lots of good friends accompanying yvonne together and we tell lots of funny stories to bring joy to her. I just had 30 minutes short rest from the moment she pass away till now but i'm so energetic to make sure i able to accompany her all the way to heaven. I'm telling my prince - yiheng...mama is going to be angel..she will praying you to be a healthy and happy boy and he will be the loved one in all the people that know him...i'm seeing that happen...

Yvonne - Mar 27

2009-03-28T07:41:00.000+08:00

Thanks for all the comments. I try to spent as much time as possible with her. I can't hold my tears when I heard my son looking for mama. He know mama is in there....he kept asking me to carry him over to look at mama...
i cant'...i thought i am strong enough and prepared for the worst..but i just can't...i can't control my tears everytime i look at her and yiheng. I try to make my self busy to stop thinking. I spent the whole night with her...and tonight will be the last night.

I had pick one of the her photo taken by me at our sweet home in prai. she looks so sweet. I have the same photo in the kwang hwa newspaper as well. I try to do my best and I believe she will like this photo as well.

Yvonne - last day

2009-03-28T03:43:00.000+08:00

Today, Yvonne pass away at 7:24AM. I'm holding her hand until her last breath and I'm commit to her to take yiheng and make sure he become a healthy boy, bring joy to everybody and be a successful man in future. I'm believe she go in peace after seeing our prince, yiheng yesterday. Thanks everyone support to make her fight till the end.
She right now with me in alor setar..........I believe that's not the end...there's still a lot story for me an yiheng to continue and accomplish what she wish. ....
i can't type anymore. just can say a lot thanks to everybody. Thanks.

Update - Mar 26

2009-03-26T23:22:00.002+08:00

Today i'm go over to hospital on lunch time. Dr Leong is taking leave start from 1pm, so just to meet up him to make sure everything fine. However, Dr Leong tell me bad news about her. Her lungs can't get oxygen smoothly since 9AM and ask me prepare for the worst and most likely today is her last day. Now she is just waiting for the time and they using medicine to push the blood pressure and pulse to safety zone.

Nothing can be done by me. I show her yiheng photo and have yiheng call mama through the phone and ask my parent to arrange yiheng come over to hospital. Nothing is more important to let both of them have a talk.

Yiheng is here and bring joy to everybody. He is the superstar. Susprisingly, before enter to ICU, Yiheng able to call "Mama" even haven't see Yvonne and he never come to ICU before. He so clever and able to call Mama when see yvonne.

We just hoping, do we has to wait or should we remove the sedation to make her awake so that we have her talk to us before she go? I have no idea. She look so suffer and hard to breath all the time when oxygen go down.

Face 2 Face

2009-03-26T11:01:00.000+08:00

Should I bring Yiheng to see Yvonne tomorrow? I want both of them have a face 2 face after separate for so long (since Feb 21). But i afraid that's the reason that holding up her and make her so tough and she not so hardworking to survive any more after seeing Yiheng.

Update - Mar 25

2009-03-25T22:35:00.000+08:00

Today, fungus in the lungs seem disappeared which kind of surprise for Doctor as mostly it wont go away so fast. We take that as a miracle. She still need to depend on ventilator and drain pipes. Liver condition seem ok and she not look so "yellowish" now.

Nurse tell me that she is a tougher than anybody. Cardiac arrest 40 minutes, she still survive. pneumothorax 4 hours, still survive. Today give her some medicine to calm her down which able to calm her at least for 60 minutes, she already awake in 40 minutes.

Her ventilator pressure go down to 40.xx which is good and i hope that she can give me a susprise tomorrow and manage to survive using lower pressure.

Sarawak

2009-03-25T08:48:00.000+08:00

Yvonne always keep telling me that she loves the life with me in Sarawak and now everyday I keep telling her the funny and "romantic" stuff we done in Sarawak. Everyday I keep telling her the story, and everyday I cry. I promise to her that we will back to Sarawak again with Yiheng.

Not in the mood to type the story now. Share it tomorrow.

Update - Mar 24

2009-03-24T20:53:00.000+08:00

Dr say Yvonne liver enlarge and the indicator go over too high. Suspect damage or infection in liver. Lungs condition is stable but still has the risk of collapse again as there still bubble and ventilator used. Doctor now facing difficulty to treat as the infection making the lungs weak, but Yvonne still need drain pipe to drain out the bubble, with the drain pipe there, the infection won't go away. But if remove drain pipe, she will face the risk of lungs collapse again. It's a dead lock. What should we do?
Mobile ventilator not strong enough for Yvonne to safely transfer to GH. She still has to stick with GMC.
The only good news is she getting better score in blood test and we hope the palette can go up from 21 till 100. Without palette support, lots of operation can't be done.

Update - Mar 23

2009-03-24T08:13:00.000+08:00

Yvonne has used up to 108 packs of blood (majority are palette). Has received 129 packs of blood from donors. Really thanks for great support from donors. When I walk over to blood bank and saw the queue and lots of unknown kind person that donate blood to Yvonne. That's no word can explain my feeling.

I'm the first one that donate blood to Yvonne and I know bad facilities in GMC blood bank and slow services (only 3 seats) and inconvenience working time. Believe me, I has bring this to their management but they more willing paying effort to charge me more effectively. I got the charge update everyday but the bills save up part that help by blood donation haven't get update.

Yvonne getting more stable compare to Saturday condition. Lungs is slightly improved, blood quality look is recovering.

尹雯（颖文）抗癌的日历

2009-03-23T07:37:00.000+08:00

Thing happen a lot faster than we think. Yvonne got last stage cancer when in age 30. When Yvonne found out she got Ovarian cancer from adventist, we come to GMC for 2nd opinion and get the same comment. We decide to proceed here and things turn out to be the worst side. From the tumors removed (originally is Uterus and Ovaries), Pathology found out actually it's cost by Burkitt Lymphoma cancer (Leukemia). Delay and wrong diagnosis and treatment done by doctor causing her condition turn worst and at last she come into the complication call (tumor lysis) due to surgery and causing 40 minutes cardiac arrest (休克）which leading to other complication such as heart stop, abnormal blood pressure, lungs leakage, pneumotoraks(lungs collapse), kidney failure, liver damage and enlarge, fungus infection in blood and lungs and risk of lack oxygen. and she still fighting hard to these complication to survive. Last saturday, we nearly lost her and being told by doctor she left few hours but she manage continue run over it. Now the bill is reaching 200K and I playing mouse and cat cathing game with finance department. Although i'm a fat mouse, but still kind of good in escaping.

This is the first post about the thing happen in general. Time by time i will keep published things happen in details and some nice photos i taken for Yvonne is recent days as I know that there's a lot people might have forget how yvonne look like.

转换

2008-06-24T19:51:00.000+08:00

部落格停刊了，转换去 http://chauryih.multiply.com

Create another blog to talk about DSLR - http://eosonboard.blogspot.com

寻宝

2008-03-28T18:59:00.001+08:00

寻宝开始。

人在国外，家园趣事

2008-03-18T01:15:00.001+08:00

这两个星期我在国外，所以没照片上载。但收到懿恆妈妈的电邮，觉得有趣，就花时间打上来。

懿恆刚到北海家，就跑上跑下。带他到花园玩乐场，玩到不愿回家，小孩们都回了，他还噪着要玩。回家，就吃完整碗面线。

晚上，带他到家乐福，销售员给他yogurt ，他喝了，还要但妈妈不给，他就以为销售员不给，就一直骂人，决果妈妈就在给他喝，喝完了，还骂人。妈妈快点买一排就跑人。

保龄

2008-03-04T10:41:00.001+08:00

拿柑拜年

2008-02-28T16:10:00.000+08:00

开锁

2008-02-21T11:23:00.000+08:00

拜年

2008-02-08T11:09:00.000+08:00

我好了，可以去拜年咯。
恭喜发财
看我像不像招财猫？

游泳

2008-01-30T09:16:00.000+08:00

无影脚

2008-01-29T10:25:00.000+08:00

看我的无影脚，阿查。。。。

无题

2008-01-28T15:23:00.000+08:00

爸爸的同事拍的，有型吧

小表舅

2008-01-24T09:11:00.000+08:00

小表舅带圣诞礼物给我。还跟我玩牌。

大扫除

2008-01-24T08:54:00.000+08:00

婆婆和妈妈在忙着大扫除，我也帮帮忙。
OK. Music please.
嘻擦擦，嘻擦擦，嘻擦擦，tiu tiu
嘻擦擦，嘻擦擦，嘻擦擦，1234

天气好热

2008-01-21T13:06:00.000+08:00

天气好热，开风扇吹吹吧

玩电动

2008-01-14T14:08:00.001+08:00

哈哈。。。懿恆开心，爸妈也开心
爸爸，我要坐那个。
爸爸流汗ing.
爸爸，我要坐前面那个。
爸爸汗流夹背
爸爸，我要坐姐姐坐的那个。
爸爸昏倒中。